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Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls |
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Home: You are here: Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls |
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Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls  Rating: Rating:  - Unmitigated Disaster From Stem To Stern, Or At Least As Close To The Stern As I Could GetI tried to watch this, really I did. There didn't seem to be much acting going on, seemed like they were reading their lines off of cue cards held just off screen and the action was the most boring, predicable and slow action of any movie ever filmed. There was at least one spot where two of the actors mouths move, but no sound comes out. What really got me was the native village. The movie up until the native village had a vintage feel but then you see the villagers wearing obviously modern neon-colored miniskirts (neon pink, green and orange) and plastic neon colored beads. Dancing around half dressed for no reason on the planet except to say: Here be native villagers. I finally had to turn it off, I just couldn't watch anymore. And I watch a lot of the lousy garbage movies on the SciFi channel because they are so bad they are funny. This one doesn't even have that tiny bit of redemption. This movie is too bad to even be funny. Rating: - quick lets get this out with 'skull' before Indiana Jones...spoilers alert. This movie is horrid. Where to begin? The direction was like what a film school student rushed to complete a project might have done. Seems like everyone that had an idea threw it into the mix. First let's throw 'temple of skulls' in the title before Indiana Jones comes out. Treasure map - yes! Wrap some strings around Allan's wrist like Johnny Depp. Oh and a cool Indy hat! Make Allan brusque. Yes, women love to be treated to rudeness they fall in love with that! The budget won't let us hire good actors. Okay let's get this over-acting humongous-toothed guy to snarl at every little thing! Perfect! He is really scarey. Train chase scene! Cool, and then they jump off the train and the bad guy still chases the train but can't figure out to drive back when he sees the train is empty. Yes, too easy to spot people on the open plains so move on to the next scene and hope no one noticed. Our hero needs to have a sad back story to explain why he has no woman (currently). Also to explain the lack of interest in his lovely maid. But wait! She is not just a lovely maid! Hey! someone was watching a horror film that had a swarm of bugs, let's make our hero and his friends fear for their lives because of a swarm of bugs that flies overhead with not a single bug landing on any of them. Because they were behind a rock and bugs just zoomed by. Because bugs are scarey. Because bugs won't look behind the rock. Because bugs fly by. Oh and the bad guy was able to disappear and be safe allofasudden too but not by hanging out behind the same rock, we don't know where in the plains he disappeared to. But our actors get really scared because of the bugs flying by. Let's move to the next scene and hope no one noticed. Oh yeah, insert here that the girl has to twist her ankle so Allan can use his superior diagnostic ability in medical matters and tell her she twisted the ankle. Then the girl won't limp the rest of the way because that would be annoying and too predictable. She should walk like nothing happened. Then they are captured! Then there is the bad guy again! Then the maid has a surprise and helps them! Then they are inside a cave and the ground breaks apart for no reason! Scarey stuff! Then the girl is captured by bad guy! Then he shoots her! Yes! Then Allan is suddenly in love with the girl - don't worry, the girl is just fine and doesn't even have a headache. Then everything is fine and they all force themselves to smile big at the end (oh the painfully long big forced smiles scene). The end. Um, what temple of skulls? Who said there was a temple of skulls? That's just the name, we are not confined as artists to make a movie that is about a temple of skulls just because that is the title of the movie. If you looked for a temple then that is where you went wrong. Allan had a map to the King Solomon mines. Rating: - Can''t even finish it.I used a promo code to rent this from a Redbox for free... and I want my money back. Horrible script, acting, direction, and filming. Absolutely horrific. Rating: - Stay well clear of this RUBBISH...This has to be the worse movie ever made. Don't be fooled by it's cover. I am a hugh fan of these kind of movies. Infact Allan quartermain has to be my favorite. But after this dreadful version of a classic story by H. Rider Haggard, I'm not to sure. Everything about this movie is bad. The acting has to be the worse I have ever seen. (the whole cast should all look for different careers) The effects are so old school, I have seen better done by kindergarden kids. Even the movies title (The Temple of Skulls) is beyond me. It has nothing to do with Skulls at all. I think they just wanted to cash in on the lastest Indiana Jones movie. my advise to it's director. (like he says on the extras. We had little money and only 9days shoting) So why bother. And to anyone who is thinking of buying this rubbish. I wouldn't. Save your hard earned money for something else. Or buy the Richard Chamberlain or Stewart Granger version. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED... 1 2
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